Our Loss

I debated writing about this, but realized it was theraputic and I wanted my family and friends who visit my blog to know what has been going on this past month. It is easy to write about the good, but I want my blog to reflect the true reality of our life. I also hope to be a support to anyone who may go through something like this in the future. I have a dear friend who was such a help to me when I struggled with multiple miscarriages and gave me so much information. Without this friend and her advice, I don't know if Roman or Paisley would be here right now. So my hope is that I can be that friend or inspiration for someone else. Maybe now or maybe in 20 years. I have realized that this is a big part of me and this blog is really about our life as the Maddox Family. The good, the bad and sometimes the sad.

Jason and I found out the week of Paisley's 1st birthday that we were pregnant again. To say we were surprised would be an understatement, more like shocked since we were not planning on having another baby quite yet. After the news sunk in and truthfully my anxiety began to wear off (a little), we became excited and told our parents and a few friends. I had my pregnancy hormones tested and everything looked great. My numbers were doubling and I started taking progesterone supplements and baby aspirin (as I did with both Roman and Paisley). We had a busy month that included Paisley's 1st Birthday, a trip to Cleveland, working and some Halloween parties. All the activities helped to keep my mind off worrying and keeping positive. When you suffer multiple miscarriages, you really don't celebrate a pregnancy until you hit the 12 week milestone so I am always very cautiously optimistic.

A few days ago I started feeling like my symptoms were not as strong. I wasn't really that tired anymore and just didn't feel very pregnant. This is what had happened with my previous miscarriages. I went to my doctor on Monday morning and he did an ultrasound. Sadly there were no heartbeats and with the calculations the babies should have been almost 8 weeks.

The reason I say babies was because it was TWINS! AND here is the big shocker...there was actually a 3rd sac, but no 3rd baby was ever formed (you can see 3 sacs in the picture). So my doctor told me it may have originally been triplets. I laughed (at the thought of having 5 children that would have been 3 and under), I cried and I felt a sense of relief that my worrying could be lifted.

This was my 6th pregnancy and 4th miscarriage. I am definitely an emotional rollercoaster (probably due to the hormones), but feeling very at peace with everything today. I prayed throughout this pregnancy for comfort from my worrying and that God would have a plan. I am such a true believer in God's plan and I knew that worrying wasn't going to help change anything.

On the positive note, we are reminded of how grateful we are for Roman and Paisley. My 3 other miscarriages were before Roman and I had such a fear and sadness that it would never work out. Part of the reason I wanted to write this was because I wanted to remind everyone that there is hope, even with multiple miscarriages. I have 2 healthy, amazing and wonderful children. They have brought such joy into my life and truly were miracles (as each baby really is). Roman came into my life when I so desperately wanted a baby. When I look at him, I always remind myself that I would do it all again just to have him. He was the baby that I was meant to have and there was a reason why we went through the journey to have him. And then came Paisley so quickly after. She was such an easy pregnancy and I realize how lucky we are to have her.

Miscarriages are very sad. They are actually quite common and can be very heartbreaking no matter when they occur. Multiple miscarriages (considered 3 or more) are not as common. There really isn't a lot known as to why certain woman have tougher times carrying babies. I went thru testing years ago and never found out the actual problem, but the doctor prescribed me extra hormones and aspirin as a precaution to help.

We feel comforted and know that our 3rd baby will come someday. We are not even going to think about it again until next summer. Some of our closest friends are getting married in June 2012 and I am excited that I will now be able to travel to their wedding. We feel so blessed with such wonderful friends, family and children and are reminded that even during the hard times, it is most important to count our blessings. Life is such a journey, but I couldn't be luckier than to have Jason go through it with me. When you marry someone you never imagine what the future holds. We have had our share of tough times together while dealing with health issues, family illness and our pregnancy losses. I can honestly say that all of these trials have brought us closer and fallen deeper in love. I would never be able to get through all of this without the love and support from Jason. I am so lucky.