Our Final Loss

NOTE: I wrote this Monday night around 1am when I couldn't sleep. Was going thru the physical part of miscarriage and just need some writing therapy.

From the moment we started our family, I always knew I would have 3 children. I really don't know why or have an explanation for it, but it is what we envisioned as our family. After our last miscarriage in October 2011, I knew that I was far, far away from wanting to even entertain the idea of getting pregnant again. I was still in shock about how I could have possibly conceived multiples.

Jason and I started talking about it a few months ago and we finally felt like the timing was right to start trying again in November. My Mom was done with treatment and everything was looking really good with her prognosis, so it just felt like now was our time.

Sadly, Thanksgiving morning my Mom fell and broke her hip. I was devastated for her. Given everything she has already been through this just wasn't fair. AND then what do you know, the next day I found out I was pregnant. So much for timing. I guess it was God's reminder of really never being able to time anything in life. All I wanted to do was be a support to my Mom and the last thing I even wanted to worry about was being pregnant.

But given my history, it is impossible to not think about being pregnant since I needed to immediately undergo multiple blood tests and take supplemental hormones. All my blood tests came back great and my levels were doubling. Now came the dreaded waiting game. The earliest a doctor can detect a heartbeat is 6 weeks, so my doctor wanted me to wait until I was almost 7 weeks to come in for an ultrasound. This is somewhat of a torturous wait for someone like me since you are constantly wondering what is going on inside your body. Is everything OK? Will I start bleeding when I go to the bathroom? Are my symptoms decreasing? As hard as you try and not obsess, you do and there is nothing you can do other than feel like you are somewhat going mentally crazy.

I was SO tired and would pass out on the couch at 7pm each night. I never really got morning sickness with either Roman or Paisley, so that is never an indicator for me, but every other symptom was there and feeling strong. We made the decision to not tell our family this time until we knew things were good. I didn't need to add any stress to my family with everything else going on.

Our day finally came to check for the heartbeat and Jason was able to get off work a little early to join me. This was so special since I wanted him there for support. When I walked into my doctor's office, I ran into 2 separate friends. That is what I get for going to one of the most popular ObGyn in the area. One immediately asked me, "Are you pregnant?" I guess it is a good giveaway when your husband is with you for your appointment. I didn't know how to answer, so I said, "Yes, but it is very early and given my history we just never know." She was pregnant too and gave me a big hug and said, "I'm sure all will be OK." I never want people to take me for being negative, but with my history you just build a wall to protect yourself and don't really believe it until you are given the proof.

So we went in for our appointment and waited for the Nurse Practioner. She came in and did the scan and there it was, our little heartbeat. I was so happy! I felt pure joy and finally felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, OK this is really happening. We are going to have our 3rd baby. The due date was Aug. 8th, 2 days before Jason's birthday. He was thrilled and I was so relieved. There was a hematoma detected, but I wasn't worried since I also had one when I was pregnant with Roman. She told me to rest, try and not lift anything heavy (Good Luck for me on that one with 2 little kids at home) and just take it easy for the next few weeks to let the hematoma heal. I was no longer worried, but was relieved that she would see me again in another 10 days.

Christmas came and went and as much as I wanted to share the news with everyone on Christmas, I decided not to and just wait for 1 more appointment. I had my next appointment on Dec. 27th, so Jason stayed home with the kids and I went in. I still felt lots of symptoms, was always tired and my stomach was getting huge, so I felt confident that all would be good. The NP came in and asked how I was feeling. I told her about the symptoms that I was having and no bleeding so it was all good signs. She quickly did the ultrasound and I immediately sensed their was an issue. She didn't say a thing for about a minute before saying, "I'm so sorry Heather. I don't see a heartbeat anymore." I was so caught off gaurd, totally shocked and felt so alone and sad. How could this happen again? What happened? Why? Didn't we deserve something happy to finally happen for our family that has been given so much this past year. And then I dug down deep thru my tears and remembered what I had always wished for. I said to her, "You know all I ever asked God for was to keep me healthy and keep this baby healthy thru this pregnancy. Obviously something just wasn't right."

When you leave the office you pass by the front desk before exiting. I had to say to the receptionist, please cancel my next 4 appointments. They won't be needed any longer. I went to my car and cried. I didn't know if I should call Jason or just wait until I got home, but decided to call him. I didn't want the kids to see me so upset. He was shocked too. We had planned on having my parents over for dinner that night and sharing the happy news with them, but now there was no longer anything happy to share.

I did finally share the news with my parents a few days later since I knew they would want to know and I felt so relieved. They have always been my biggest supporters and I just wanted some TLC. I didn't end up miscarrying until 12 days later. A big relief to be done and ready to get back to feeling a little more normal.

Part of the reason this loss has hit me so hard is because I told myself this would be my final try. There comes a time when your body cannot physically or mentally take another loss. This was my 5th pregnancy loss and this infertility rollercoaster has been a part of us for the last 5 years. Could I try again, sure. But do I want to, not really at all. I don't think it is fair to my kids, my own sanity or my body. It is hard to admit, but I really would like to say this chapter of my life is closed. You add in my age with my high risk pregnancy complications (multiple miscarriages) and my heart defects and it just makes sense to be done.

So where do I go from here. Well...currently I am trying my best to focus on the positive. How did I get so lucky to have Roman and Paisley back to back. They are 18 months apart and out of my 7 pregnancies, they were numbers 4 and 5. WOW! So, so blessed with that. AND they are healthy, happy and such amazing little loves. I am so grateful to have them. They keep me smiling.

AND as I've always discussed, I have always had a dream of adopting. I don't know why but it is something that I felt in my heart before I was even married. I have met so many people through my life (family, friends and even acquaintances) that have been so blessed with adoption. All of them have been thru different journeys or experiences, but each one of them has been so blessed with the most beautiful and loving children. Are their risks involved or uncertainties with adoption? You bet, but none of that worries us. I've researched, read and talked with dozens of people about adoption for years and all that I see is the selfless act of a mother giving a family such an amazing gift.

I know that this pain and suffering we have endured will have a reward at the end and God will take care of us. I know that we have so much love to give and I just have this feeling that our family is not complete. Who knows when and if we will follow this path, but I can say that it gives me hope, happiness and comfort to know that this is an option.

So for now. That is our story. I've often been taught in life, there isn't always an answer to why things like this happen, but I do know that one day if we are blessed with another child that it will all make perfect sense. For now, I'm so grateful for my family and friends that have been such a support to me through the years. You've been there for me thru the good and the bad, the happy and sad and I can't thank you enough. I'm one lucky girl to have such a wonderful support system.      

AND Thanks for being a part of my therapy session. Writing has always theraputic for me.

UPDATE: Today I'm feeling really happy. I actually haven't cried for a few days and am starting to feel really good. Ready to hit the gym next week. AND am constantly just smiling at Roman and Paisley and always reminded how blessed we are with them. I wouldn't change a thing about anything we have gone thru since it is always my reminder to be so grateful for what you DO have.